run joey run!

Once upon a time, there was a girl named Jessie.

(I will forego telling this story in the third person, because it will be exceedingly difficult and quite annoying.)

So in March, I go to Target to buy a TV...because we all know how much I love Target. So if you work at Target, when you see a guest that you haven't seen before, you are supposed to ask them, "Can I help you find something?" And the answer is usually, "No, I'm just looking" and the underlying message is, "Bugger off, I'm in a hurry." WELL, on this fateful day, I go to Target, and I have lots of questions because clearly a purchase this big should be an informed one. So when the electronics team member, a guy about 1-2 years younger than I, approaches me and asks me if he can help me find something, I say, "Actually, yes!" and I proceed to ask questions and blah blah blah. Again, I have a lot of questions. Well, I think somehow this team member (who, by the way, I did not find attractive in any way...not to say he was particularly UN-attractive, but definitely not my cup of tea at all) must have thought that I was flirting with him or something...because apparently asking questions about the number of pixels in a television just screams "Heyyyyy there, fella!" So he starts talking to me about other things. Lots of other things. A full hour's worth of other things. Of course I'm too nice to just say, "Give me my TV and let me LEAVE, ya creep!" so he just keeps rambling on. And of COURSE in the midst of all his jabbering I still have lingering questions about my television purchase, so I can't just walk away anyhow. But in addition to telling me stories about this and that, he randomly throws in things like, "You seem like a really awesome girl, so..." (RULE #1: Never call me a girl. Ugh.)

If you want to know the kinds of things he talks about, here are two examples:

1. "So you're from Minnesota? South Dakota's near there, right? I drove through South Dakota once with a bunch of my buddies while we were following this band on tour, and one night, we were at a hotel and I saw a dude commit suicide by jumping out the third story window." (YEAH.)

2. Me: "I hate the saxophone a lot." (EDIT: Someone came up with a Dave Matthews Band CD and he asked if I liked DMB, and I said that I would except I hate the saxophone a lot.)

Creepy Dude: "Okay, so hypothetically...and this is just for the sake of the story...let's say it's a few years down the road. We're married (what?), got a couple of kids (WHAT?!), and one day, you come home from work and catch me playing the saxophone. What do you do?"

Me: "Instant divorce. Oh crap, I'm late for choir practice." (Not even kidding on that...I really was late.)

And to top it all off, even though the TV is actually very light and the box has very accessible handles, and even though I said, "It's okay, I've got it," he decides that he needs to call someone from another department over to watch the electronics boat while he carries the thing out to my car, claiming that "it's all part of the Target experience." Trust me, I know about the elements of the Target experience, and having one's TV carried to one's car by a creeper is not a part of that equation.

After that, I vowed never to return to that Target store ever again.

Fast-forward to Sunday, May 2. Before I go any further, you should know that there are two Target stores within my general vicinity...in fact, it takes exactly the same amount of time to get from my apartment to both of them. So if I ever need to go to Target, I always go to the one that does not contain the creeper. But next door to the Creeper Target, there is a Sam's Club where I go sometimes to buy youth ministry stuff. For Sunday's youth group meeting, I needed to get some juice boxes, shaving cream, two hula hoops, a bouncy ball, and some play-doh, so I headed up to Sam's. However...Sam's does not have toys. I was already running a bit short on time, so...I had no choice but to go to the Creeper Target (though believe me, I considered driving fifteen minutes in the opposite direction to avoid it). I walked into the store, already freaking out because the toy section is right across the aisle from the electronics boat and AHHHHH what if he's there and he tries to talk to me and blah blah blah?!?! I generally overthink things anyhow, so I was feeling a bit paranoid about the whole thing. Clearly.

I walked to the back side of the toy section, and I was literally peeking around every aisle (like a ninja) to see if he was there. After sneaking around for a little bit, I saw the hula hoops and got really excited! But before I could take a closer look, I saw...him...and freaked out. I immediately turned around and walked away really quickly to get my head together, and to get the shaving cream on the other side of the store. I actually contemplated changing the activities for youth group so I wouldn't have to go back to the toy section, but I knew I couldn't completely give up because the things we were doing were SUPER FUN.

And then...I got a brilliant idea. So I confidently walked back to the toy section, ready to put my genius plan into action. When I rounded the corner, I got out my phone, and just as I approached the hula hoops for the second time, I "answered" it. As you may or may not know, I am really good at engaging in fake telephone conversations...so that's what I did for ten minutes as I looked for the play-doh and bouncy balls. I figured the plan would work on multiple levels:

1. No stranger would ever interrupt a telephone conversation unless absolutely necessary.

2. Why would I even think to look over at the electronics section if I were so engrossed in conversation? That's right, no possibility of eye contact.

3. I really like engaging in fake telephone conversations.

And that is the story of how I avoided a creeper. Looking back, I wonder why I didn't actually call someone...I guess #3 above may have something to do with it...

So what about you? Any fun creeper stories to tell?

Love you, miss you, blah blah blah...

yat-dot-dot-dot-dot...HEY!

I went to a Pirates game at PNC Park last night with a friend (we got free tickets a few weeks back at a meeting for the Pittsburgh Kids Foundation). The Pirates played against the Milwaukee Brewers and lost...of course.


Now, this is not to say that I could do any better...we all know about my softball skillz (which, if given a point value, would be at -9 right now), but really? Get your stuff together, Pirates! You get paid to do this! I mean, come on. You know you have a bad team when fans stay just long enough to see the Pierogi Race (you know, those Polish dumpling things) and then they leave. Seriously, check this out.


FUN FACTZ!


Did you know...
...the Steelers have won the Super Bowl six times?
...the Penguins have won the Stanley Cup three times and are in the playoffs right now, possibly to win a fourth?
...the Pirates are statistically the worst team in all of professional sports history with SEVENTEEN losing seasons in a row?


I saw a shirt once that said, "Pittsburgh: City of Champions" and then underneath in smaller print it said, "...and the Pirates." Yup. That about sums it up right there.

that creepy blue-haired troll with his beady little eyes

Somewhere between Minnesota and Pennsylvania, five of my Harry Potter books went missing. I first noticed it when I got my new red bookshelf, but I figured they were probably just in another box around my apartment, and I'd find them eventually...so what's the big deal?

And then one day, bored out of my mind, I said to myself, "Self, I think it's time for a Harry Potter book marathon." I was super excited...like, jump-in-a-giant-pool-of-spaghetti excited. Except for one small problem: I still hadn't found the books. That's when my search began in earnest.

I looked everywhere. I checked my storage locker, my closets, under my bed, even the drawers in my kitchen, but it was all to no avail. The books were nowhere to be found. When I went back to Minnesota for Christmas, I searched high and low all over my mom and dad's house for them...no luck.

I was telling someone about this mystery, and they said, "Well, can you get them from the library?" I suppose the obvious answer is yes, but that's entirely beside the point, which is...

Where in the stuff are my Harry Potter books? I mean, we're talking over $100 worth of delicious, magical fiction here! It's just the strangest thing, and it's really starting to drive me crazy. Books don't just disappear like that. Maybe someone used their stupid wizard magic and went all "Accio five out of Jessie's seven Harry Potter books, and be sure they are the ones that are most expensive" on me. I wouldn't doubt it. Stupid jerkface wizards and their stupid jerky magic. Maybe I'll get a Dark Mark for my next tattoo. That'll show 'em.

where in the world is carmen sandiego?!

When I was leaving my apartment around noon today, I found a big, flat box perched in my doorway. Turns out my friend Ben is all about giving me art, because there was a beautiful photograph inside. Boy oh boy, do I love surprises! (Ben, if I could find a snowglobe and break it, I would totally send it to you--dangerous shards and all!--as a thank-you gift. Haha!)

I watched the first of the old Star Wars movies a couple of nights ago (for the first time EVER!), and I have to say, the Death Star is FREAKIN' HUGE! It's hard to fathom. Good thing they blew it up. Oops, I mean...spoiler alert for the three other people in the world who haven't seen it yet. My bad.

I went grocery shopping on Monday, and in addition to milk, I also stocked up on some SERIOUS frootz. We're talking a whole thinger of clementine oranges, some blueberries, blackberries, and strawberries. The thing about those little clementines is that they're so delicious and small that you can eat like five of them in one sitting. It takes every ounce of self-control I have to keep from doing so. But they're very portable, which means I can stick a couple in my purse for a quick afternoon snack at the office. Hooray!

You know, I was just thinking...the other day, I was in my kitchen and I saw a stink bug on my curtain. At first I was like, "AHHH!" and then I said to myself, "I am going to calm down and come back later to deal with it." And then I forgot about it. AND THEN when I remembered it and went back to deal with it, it was gone...and I haven't seen it since. I'm afraid it's like that statistic that says how many spiders a person eats in a year while they're sleeping. Only stink bugs. UGH I freaking hate stink bugs. I bet that the devil's nightmares are full of stink bugs, that's how terrible they are.

Speaking of not knowing where things are, I have no idea where five of my Harry Potter books are. I thought I packed them, but I've unpacked everything and the only ones I have are Sorcerer's Stone and Chamber of Secrets. For fruitcake's sake! I really want to do an HP reading marathon, and now my dreams have been crushed. Oh well. I'm sure they're somewhere between here and Minnesota. I hope. Otherwise, someone's going DOWN! Not sure who to blame yet, exactly, but once I find them...they're going DOWN!

Did I mention I hate stink bugs?

apple cores

All in all, this was a very exciting weekend--more exciting than most, anyway!

I went skiing with the Campbells on Saturday and Sunday, which was SUPER FANTASTIC--I spent the day skiing with two of the guys from my youth group, Jeremy and another kid named Nick. It was so fun...I hadn't been skiing in years, so I started the day by taking a quick run down the bunny hill just to get my "ski legs" working again. I was surrounded by little children who were learning how to snowboard and stuff. They were funny. Especially when they fell down. But then again, you could say the same for me.

On our second-to-last run, I took the most EPIC fall ever. I mean, we're talking flying through the air, flipping over a couple of times, losing one of my skis, my helmet flying off. EPIC. I have a nasty bruise on my left leg (which sucks because that's the side I usually sleep on), but other than being a bit sore, I didn't really get hurt. Though I did keep wondering to myself, Is it possible to get a concussion without knowing it? (If you know the answer, please leave me a comment or something, because even though I'm fairly certain I did not get a concussion, I am very curious now if it's possible!) The Fall happened right next to a chair lift full of people (which had STOPPED for some reason), and I could see them all staring at me and hear them all going, "Ohhhh!" and laughing and stuff. Heck, I was even laughing! I can only imagine what I must have looked like. I figure, I would have laughed at someone else if they had fallen, so I didn't mind ONE BIT if people laughed at me!

In other local news, last night was the spring semester kick-off for youth group. It was pretty fun--nothing too structured, but we did have a giant Catch Phrase tournament and played Bananagrams and whatnot. In addition to a bunch of junk food, I had bought a veggie tray and a fruit tray at Sam's...but then I forgot them in my refrigerator at home, so now I have two giant trays of fruit/veggies sitting in my fridge. I'll have to pay the church some money since I'll be the only one eating the stuff...but OH WELL! I had some yogurt and pineapple chunks for breakfast this morning, which was delightful.

And if you're wondering, NO! I DON'T HAVE TO DYE MY HAIR!!! (Phew!) We had somewhere between 25 and 30 kids come, so...no blue or purple hair for me. It was still a good time, though! Apparently, the bulk mailing I spent hours working on this past week didn't get to the families in time--which I was kind of relying on to get the word out about the kick-off. Grr, United States Postal Service!

I have a love/hate relationship with the USPS. I so appreciate how they deliver letters and care packages (HINT) and forgotten Christmas presents right to my door! BUT the process of preparing and sending bulk mailings is so utterly filled with red tape and ridiculousness that I can't help but shoot death lasers out of my eyeballs at them whenever I think about it. I would totally devote an entire post to how truly absurd the stupid little rules are at the USPS, but then you might think that I'm one of those ultra-annoying people who complains about little things all the time...and I know how irritating that is, so I shall spare you the gory details of bulk mailings.

And now, I am going to go shopping. Love you! Miss you! Be well!

macadamia nuts

Check out this awesomeness. It just happened tonight. Luckily, the Special K bar I was eating in the house dulled the pain a bit when we heard the knock at the door and I walked outside to see this:



And then I got to spend an hour and a half on hold before I was able to talk with my insurance peeps. Great. And now, to make myself feel better, I'm watching the fall finale (for the...fifth time...) of my favorite show ever, Glee. It's making me feel better.