run joey run!

Once upon a time, there was a girl named Jessie.

(I will forego telling this story in the third person, because it will be exceedingly difficult and quite annoying.)

So in March, I go to Target to buy a TV...because we all know how much I love Target. So if you work at Target, when you see a guest that you haven't seen before, you are supposed to ask them, "Can I help you find something?" And the answer is usually, "No, I'm just looking" and the underlying message is, "Bugger off, I'm in a hurry." WELL, on this fateful day, I go to Target, and I have lots of questions because clearly a purchase this big should be an informed one. So when the electronics team member, a guy about 1-2 years younger than I, approaches me and asks me if he can help me find something, I say, "Actually, yes!" and I proceed to ask questions and blah blah blah. Again, I have a lot of questions. Well, I think somehow this team member (who, by the way, I did not find attractive in any way...not to say he was particularly UN-attractive, but definitely not my cup of tea at all) must have thought that I was flirting with him or something...because apparently asking questions about the number of pixels in a television just screams "Heyyyyy there, fella!" So he starts talking to me about other things. Lots of other things. A full hour's worth of other things. Of course I'm too nice to just say, "Give me my TV and let me LEAVE, ya creep!" so he just keeps rambling on. And of COURSE in the midst of all his jabbering I still have lingering questions about my television purchase, so I can't just walk away anyhow. But in addition to telling me stories about this and that, he randomly throws in things like, "You seem like a really awesome girl, so..." (RULE #1: Never call me a girl. Ugh.)

If you want to know the kinds of things he talks about, here are two examples:

1. "So you're from Minnesota? South Dakota's near there, right? I drove through South Dakota once with a bunch of my buddies while we were following this band on tour, and one night, we were at a hotel and I saw a dude commit suicide by jumping out the third story window." (YEAH.)

2. Me: "I hate the saxophone a lot." (EDIT: Someone came up with a Dave Matthews Band CD and he asked if I liked DMB, and I said that I would except I hate the saxophone a lot.)

Creepy Dude: "Okay, so hypothetically...and this is just for the sake of the story...let's say it's a few years down the road. We're married (what?), got a couple of kids (WHAT?!), and one day, you come home from work and catch me playing the saxophone. What do you do?"

Me: "Instant divorce. Oh crap, I'm late for choir practice." (Not even kidding on that...I really was late.)

And to top it all off, even though the TV is actually very light and the box has very accessible handles, and even though I said, "It's okay, I've got it," he decides that he needs to call someone from another department over to watch the electronics boat while he carries the thing out to my car, claiming that "it's all part of the Target experience." Trust me, I know about the elements of the Target experience, and having one's TV carried to one's car by a creeper is not a part of that equation.

After that, I vowed never to return to that Target store ever again.

Fast-forward to Sunday, May 2. Before I go any further, you should know that there are two Target stores within my general vicinity...in fact, it takes exactly the same amount of time to get from my apartment to both of them. So if I ever need to go to Target, I always go to the one that does not contain the creeper. But next door to the Creeper Target, there is a Sam's Club where I go sometimes to buy youth ministry stuff. For Sunday's youth group meeting, I needed to get some juice boxes, shaving cream, two hula hoops, a bouncy ball, and some play-doh, so I headed up to Sam's. However...Sam's does not have toys. I was already running a bit short on time, so...I had no choice but to go to the Creeper Target (though believe me, I considered driving fifteen minutes in the opposite direction to avoid it). I walked into the store, already freaking out because the toy section is right across the aisle from the electronics boat and AHHHHH what if he's there and he tries to talk to me and blah blah blah?!?! I generally overthink things anyhow, so I was feeling a bit paranoid about the whole thing. Clearly.

I walked to the back side of the toy section, and I was literally peeking around every aisle (like a ninja) to see if he was there. After sneaking around for a little bit, I saw the hula hoops and got really excited! But before I could take a closer look, I saw...him...and freaked out. I immediately turned around and walked away really quickly to get my head together, and to get the shaving cream on the other side of the store. I actually contemplated changing the activities for youth group so I wouldn't have to go back to the toy section, but I knew I couldn't completely give up because the things we were doing were SUPER FUN.

And then...I got a brilliant idea. So I confidently walked back to the toy section, ready to put my genius plan into action. When I rounded the corner, I got out my phone, and just as I approached the hula hoops for the second time, I "answered" it. As you may or may not know, I am really good at engaging in fake telephone conversations...so that's what I did for ten minutes as I looked for the play-doh and bouncy balls. I figured the plan would work on multiple levels:

1. No stranger would ever interrupt a telephone conversation unless absolutely necessary.

2. Why would I even think to look over at the electronics section if I were so engrossed in conversation? That's right, no possibility of eye contact.

3. I really like engaging in fake telephone conversations.

And that is the story of how I avoided a creeper. Looking back, I wonder why I didn't actually call someone...I guess #3 above may have something to do with it...

So what about you? Any fun creeper stories to tell?

Love you, miss you, blah blah blah...